In today’s Chaos To Calm Moment, I am going to be talking about a quote that has been a powerful topic in my life.  “When you feel overwhelmed by your current circumstances, take time to reconnect with why you started on this path in the first place.”

There were many times throughout my custody case where I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening. In those times, I would ask myself whether I should just stop fighting.  I would wonder whether I was the problem or somehow responsible for what was going on. 

What helped me move past feeling overwhelmed was asking myself why I started in the first place. 

Then as a follow-up question, I would ask what would happen if I stopped fighting.  And, I would try to get a sense of what the outcome would be if I stopped or changed course.

When you are in the thick of this divorce/custody process, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the fight.  Sometimes inadvertently, you find yourself fighting just for the sake of fighting.  Or, maybe you are fighting to be right.  Which shouldn’t be confused with fighting because it is the right thing to do.

However, if you find yourself wrapped up in that cycle, know that it happens to everyone.  My pointing it out is not about judgement. Fighting to fight is something that happens to a lot of people at some point in the divorce process.  A lot of people just really want to win. They find themselves get caught in a win or lose mentality.  In all of these examples, it is easy to lose sight of why you started. 

Why did you get started?

Did you start so that you could get more time with your kids?  Or so you could be able to afford to put food on the table? Did you start so that you could protect yourself and your children? 

What was your motivation? Why did you start on this path?

Are you still fighting for the same thing?  Or have you gotten off course and now you find yourself fighting for the sake of fighting?

If you stopped moving forward on your current course, what would happen?  Would things settle down and go back to normal?  Do you think that your children would be better off?  Or would your ex continue to fight until you are left penniless, or lost custody of your children?

Most importantly, sit with your answers and see if they are something that you can live with. Is your current direction leading you to the post-divorce life that you envisioned yourself living?

If your answer is, “To make them pay”  or, “They deserve this.” 

That. Finger. Pointing. Thing. 

Maybe you are angry.  You started this because you were angry.  You are overwhelmed and feel that they deserve this because they cheated.  Or, that you deserve what you are asking for because they cheated or whatever the situation may be. 

If your motivation is anger or revenge and you have children, you’re creating a legacy of anger and pain that will last for generations.

What is the outcome of succeeding at revenge?

I can tell you from experience that the outcome is pain.  The outcome is hurt and immense damage.  Reflect on that, and get honest with yourself about where are you coming from in all of this? Once you know you can make a decision whether to move forward or not.  Use the time to figure out if your heart and soul is in the right place before you move forward.

Please, step away from the fight for just a minute, just a second and ask yourself those questions.  Doing so can help you either:

a) Get strong again and/or muster the strength that you need to keep moving forward. 

Or

b) Realize that maybe you’ve been a little *too strong* and you need to back off a little bit.  Maybe even try to see things from the other parties perspective a little bit more.

Would like the opportunity to work with me? I would love to have a chance to help you turn the chaos that comes with transitioning your relationships into the calm and respect filled life you deserve. Take advantage of a complimentary session with me. 

Note:  This or any advice given by Heather Debreceni is not meant to replace or superseded the advice of your attorney or the acting family therapist involved in your case and does not constitute legal or psychological counseling.