Empowered Divorce Summit E3 -Embrace Your Erotic Nature- Allana Pratt

Today we are joined by Allana Pratt, a Cum Laude graduate of Columbia. She is a single mom who has battled an internal war with body shame and sexual guilt and won.  Allana is also the author of four incredible books including, “The Reluctant Milf.” She now uses her experience to inspire women to embrace their sacred erotic nature to attract all the love and attention they choose.

Part I

HD: Thanks for joining us today Allana!

AP: I really love what you’re doing because so many times divorce is so heavy and has a shame to it. And frankly, there’s some that go on for far too long. So I totally honor what you’re up to, and I feel very privileged to be here.

HD: Thank You! I feel privileged to have you here because one of the things that I think that women struggle with when they’re going through a divorce is the struggle between being and owning their sexuality and the fact that they’re a sexual creature, and balancing that with being a mom.

AP: Yeah.

HD: But first, What I want to ask you is,

Can you share a little bit about your divorce journey with us today?

AP: Sure! I have actually been divorced twice, First was in my late twenties and that one was pretty calm in comparison to my second one. I basically was just insecure, I was looking for security but I didn’t want to admit it. So, I attracted somebody who wasn’t a very good match. We parted ways quite calmly I suppose overall. There were no children, and both of us moved on.

The second divorce happened like ten years ago and yet, we still just finished our most recent stint in court for a custody battle just about a month ago. So, it’s been a ten-year custody battle. It’s been very traumatizing, and I have been hiding, kind of.

My biggest thing was I didn’t want anybody to know because I am this relationship expert. And I am this intimacy expert and I am supposed to be perfect. Then, behind the scenes, it sure felt like I was being bullied twenty-four seven.

The emails were daily and every time I looked at my son, I was like split in two because I loved him and I missed him and I didn’t want him to be going through all of this. And there was this sadness that I felt every time I looked at this child who meant the world to me. But of course, there were also these feelings of love, joy, adventure, and all the rest of it. So it was tough to be present because of all the feelings that were going on inside of me.

Relating back to your question, when we as women spin in our heads because our hearts close down, we can’t get all the way down in our pelvis. We can’t get down in our power center either. But even lower, we can’t get down into our pelvis where our, not just our sexual energy is but our creativity is.

Our creativity, our intuition, our instincts those ideas that would create more joy, more abundance, more deliciousness in our life. And sometimes we just shut her down altogether. And we just stay up in our spinning head, where we think we can be safe, but that is a big fat lie, and we just keep that heart shut down the whole time, and the wounds, they just compound on top of each other.

Then we think, “Oh yeah! Let’s go get a boyfriend, that will make everything better!” and yet we’re not our truest, deepest, self with that man. We’re a wounded heart. We’re a shutdown pelvis, we’re not in our true power, and we’re authentically lonely. We might not have had kind, gentle, nourishing sensual touch for months, if not years, sometimes decades.

So, it’s very, very, very important to be kind to ourselves and be honest with ourselves, and get support so that we can leave that spinning head and go into the heart. Feel, that’s the way to heal, to feel and let it go. All of the trauma and all of the pain, all of the betrayal, and the abandonment, the anger, and the frustration, and the loneliness, it’s all real. And it’s all stuck in there.

So we need to breathe through it and release it and as we do so, we begin to drop down even further into our true feminine power. Which is not power over, it’s not force, it’s not will. Its courage, its an internal strength of the universe as it begins to pour through our body. We begin to become in communion with this life force energy that animates us and fuels us.

Then as we drop even lower into our pelvis, we begin to breathe in this energy of the universe, that wants to love us and nurture us and guide us. And we begin to truly use our imagination, and this creative energy in our pelvis, to create the life we choose. To magnetize the partner that is truly a great fit for our life while simultaneously, really loving being in our body again.

During the divorce, we begin to forget what it’s like to be in our body, and so life becomes not faced. So to come all the way home in our pelvis again and exhale, and to feel safe in our bodies again, then that leads to feeling delicious, and sensual and alive, and simply a sunset can turn you on.

And by the time that woman goes out on a date, or that woman writes an online profile, or that woman flirts with someone at a networking event or at the grocery store and entirely different experience happens because she is full. She doesn’t need anything.

She isn’t trying to overcompensate or hide, she has dealt with her shame, and its like an invitational vortex to attract a noble, present man who’s ready to honor a queen. And that is the journey I take women on.

HD: Absolutely, that resonates with me really well because our stories are pretty parallel. I have been divorced twice, although my first and second divorce were flipped.  My first divorce was the contentious divorce and the second divorce was the man that I thought I had changed and was strong enough to handle things.  And I really wasn’t quite there yet. 

Part II

I am now actually on my third marriage, and the difference with this one is that I took the time to find where my power was.  And I really did come into it and with the ability to say, “I’m not coming into this with baggage. I have children, that’s not baggage.

I have just as much right to say what I think and feel and want as a woman and as a partner in a relationship. And I think that it was that power that spoke to my husband, and that built the strong relationship that we have now. So that kind of brushes on the next question that I wanted to ask you is that,

What do you think the biggest issue that you faced in your divorce, and how did you overcome it?

AP: The biggest issue in my first divorce was definitely my insecurity. And I didn’t have, my dad is sober now, but he was drunk and using drugs when I grew up. As a result, he wasn’t present, and he wasn’t himself. Sometimes he remembered who my friends were and sometimes he didn’t.

And I think in my first marriage, I was looking for “Daddy”. Someone safe, secure, impeccably present, provider, all those kind of things. And so I wasn’t a woman, I was a wounded little girl and so I had attracted a partner that wasn’t a match.

In my second marriage, it happened when my mother was dying.  And I had just gotten over, maybe three years between, I had just gotten over the first divorce. I decided, well the stupid Disney land fairytale bullshit doesn’t work, so I’m going to be strong.  I was the same woman, just the other side of the coin.

I became masculine and in control and I was going to make this work.  And if I’m going to lose my mother then I’m going to have a marriage, and I’m going to have a child, and I’m going to get through this and replace the relationship I’m losing.

It was just so, you could hear it in my voice, it was so fear-based.  And it was just to try to solve something that you can’t solve with a thought. It’s just healing, it’s dealing with the past.  It’s coming through to the other side and opening your heart deeper, wider.

It’s like growing deeper roots, so you can soar with higher shoots, and I didn’t do that.

So again, I attracted a partner that wasn’t a match what’s so ever.  I put so many blinders on. I was unwilling to see the flags, and maybe even incapable. Red flags are felt in the intuition and in the heart they are not seen with the eyes. 

I had no connection with that, and so I didn’t see any of them until it was, not too late in the sense that I regret having my son when he is like totally the most exquisite gift in the world. But I do regret the decision I made to stay with his father, even though it was only for a year and then all of these difficult court battles afterwards.

I’d say the biggest gift in it though is being able to stand up to a bully. So many of us women we hide our true, we squelch our face.  And when we do finally show up, we sort of overcompensate because we have been hiding for so long.  And then we come across as hysterical, or angry or crazy, right?

When if we could go moment to moment, breath, stay in our bodies, stay present, and speak our truth, then none of this build up would occur.  And we could stay more calm, centric, kind of the lady of the lake. She’s got a sword, but she is not wielding it in your face. It’s down by her side. She will use it if she has to but she leads with her heart, and she is fierce but she is fierce love. And that is what I have been trained, this is the next gift for me in my current healing from my second divorce.

HD: That sounds amazing and I know that is something that it takes time to get there. But speaking from my personal experience, and it sounds like what you’re saying, is that once you get there, it’s this amazing power that breaths power.

AP: Yes! Yes absolutely.

HD: Because it just sort of hums within itself.

AP: Yeah you’re actually saying something really amazing there. A lot of times we think that power is power over another.  Or we need to go get power or some external circumstance needs to happen and we’ll have power. But that’s a lie!

Really it’s more of like you said, it grows within. It’s a self-generating power from within. We could also call it frequency. That is in co-creation with the universe, within you, as you, and through you.

It’s like you literally plug into source, in you, as you, and through you and you’re co-creating with this fierce love.  And it’s very calm and it’s very confident. And you just don’t mess with a woman who is in this state. Because if she disconnects, if she unplugs, and she spins up in her mind, then the only power she will have is power over or manipulation, or she’ll be manipulated.

Part III

HD: Correct. I think that is a great way to lead into the next question because it has to do with that power.  And it has to do with the fact that attached to that power is this sort of erotic nature that women have that we are this creator. 

Tell us more about what the sacred erotic nature is, and how someone would start embracing it?

AP: That would take me like five hours and a bottle of wine. But very briefly, when you move down into your pelvis, what you’ll find is that life can turn you on, not just being in the bedroom can turn you on. You’re alive, you’re juicy.  You can embrace a sunset or a beautiful meal or not even that you’re feeling sexual about your children, but that there is a deliciousness to adventure.

You start to expand your definition of sexual energy. All the way into the very kind, tender, healing, soft, nurturing energy, that’s all sexual energy too. It’s also the creative, generative, expansive ideas and birthing of life as well. It’s also that sensual, yummy, erotic, kinky, naughty, delicious, orgasmic energy, it’s all of it. It literally bursts life in all forms.

So when you begin, a practice that you can just becoming aware of what turns you on and letting it happen to your body.

I remember the first time I began to expand, I was looking at the sunshine through the window on my son’s eyelashes and his hair and he was so… It was like an angel. And I noticed that my body started to get turned on and I thought, “That’s awful! You’re not turned on by your son, that’s bad manners! Like what’s going on?” And then I started to go, “Wait a minute, I love my son, let’s be more exploratory here” and I started to do so much more research around it.

And around our eroticism and our sexual energy and I realized that I had been cutting myself off and not letting myself get turned on by life, and I hadn’t been letting life penetrate me. I haven’t been surrendering and letting life have its way with me. I’ve been living from my chin up for decades.

And I started to live in my entire body. I started to let everything turn me on.

I started to let myself receive compliments, receive the warmth of the sunshine, receive help and support. I started to let myself get filled up by life, and people started to show up to help. Wonderful miracles started to show up. Wonderful adventures started to show up.

And who I was when I started to show up at these experiences in life, is I was more of a contribution. I was alive, I was juicy, I was a compliment. I was a contribution to people. Like I made people’s lives better when I let myself be turned on, and come unleashed.

So, it’s sort of like this figure eight when we live beneath the chin, and especially live within our pelvis, it’s like that figure eight of giving. Our radiance, and our aliveness and our flirtations, and our temptress, and our healing capacity, and our divine mother, and our naughty provocateur.

It’s like giving all these different energies, as appropriate, and then receiving energy from life. Receiving in support and help, and nourishment and contribution, and relationships in with our lover.  And receiving that being desired and being claimed, and being splayed wide and open.

It takes courage, but my god it’s so much more fulfilling and easier that living from the chin up and being forceful and pushing ourselves and exhausting our will all the time.

HD: So, as you’re talking about this, women. I think women can identify with this obviously. I think, because there is always that part of us that no matter how much we want to try to cramp and push it down, that there is that part of us that wants to kind of get set free and glow, and sort of, radiate that energy.

Part IV

I think it takes so much work to push that down. And when we want to start going out and exploring, because I’m sure that there are women listening that are going through their divorce who are having “Ah-HA” moments as they’re listening to this. And they’s saying, “Yes! I want to do this!”  But then the question starts becoming,

When is it appropriate to start dating when you are a mother and you are embracing this after divorce? Do you have any thoughts on how to both embrace this nature and start dating and when that should happen?

AP: Yeah! There’s no defined timeline because of everyone’s full, unfolds at its own beautiful pace. But what I would start with first is taking exquisite care of your heart so you can drop down into your “authentic power center” and your “sexual center” and from there, really start to have pleasure.

I have so many, if you go to my website and look at all my different products. I have one called, “Pleasure Practices” and it’s a CD and it’s one “Pleasure Practice” a week. And Pleasure, a lot of people think is just the fluffy surface, but not my practices. And they’re not just sexual practices, there’s pleasure of all ways.

It’s more about receiving and filling yourself up so you start to feel safe in your body.  You start to trust your intuition, you’re not needy and empty. And you’re really clear about why you want a partnership. Not to save you, not to overcompensate or to fill up a void so that you don’t have to feel the pain. No, you’ve done your work, you’ve gone inside, and now you’re attracting someone who’s really going to be a compliment to your life, and you’re going to be a complement to them.

I would first do the inner work, and then I would start to cultivate the pleasure and living in the body. Then I would:

  • Use that clear intuition to be clear about who you are attracting.
  • Get out there and enjoy yourself, and be unattached. Who knows if it’s going to be happening in a month or a year, or ten years. Who really cares, as long as you’re evolving more, more confidence, more joy, more radiance, even a better mother.
  • Meeting different men, enjoying receiving a man treating you well.
  • Being able to say thank you but no thank you, practicing speaking up and saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no and exploring your eroticism.

You know, maybe it’s time to start taking some belly dancing or, erotic dance classes.  I go to pole dancing two, three, four times a week.  And I explore my different erotic creatures so that I am being the woman that will bring my match.

I’m not waiting for him to open me.  I’m opening myself and inviting him, and trusting myself that I can invite in a partner of caliber.

HD: Right! And I think that’s a big, important distinction. I think that it creates a weird energy, that you’re putting out in the universe, when you’re saying, I’m great with “myself” but I really want someone to help complete me.

And I think that, that sort of push and pull that happens when you haven’t done that work on who you are, it really kind of puts that same energy out there into the universe, and that ends up being the type of person you attract, is someone who, and they don’t even know like, “What am I attracted to about her, I’m not really sure why.” When women, do as you say and really take that time to find out who they are and to enjoy life. To enjoy their children, and enjoy just being. Then the person who is the right match for them will respond to that.

AP: Absolutely! I know it’s easier to go buy a new purse. It’s easier to finish off a bottle of wine with the girlfriends. I know it’s not easy what I’m asking you to do.

Go inside and feel the pain, that’s not fun.  Do the inner work. Cultivate these pleasure practices. Start being turned on by life. Start trusting yourself and trusting life more so you can really discern a good man from the one who’s not a match. I know that’s a longer path.

But just think of like a springboard, if you just jump along the path a little bit, then you’re not going to go very high. But if you bend your knees and really push that springboard down, you’re going to soar so high!

And it’s the same thing with this if you’re willing to go to the core, heal to the core. Do your juicy, delicious, sexual work to the core. Love yourself to the core. Then you’re going to show up to the core. And that man that’s going to meet you to the core is going to be there, so within as without. I promise you, it’s so worth it to do the inner work.

And it’s not like an “in order to” to get the guy, but it’s because it’s so fulfilling to finally be free of that fear and breath. To be sensual, to be alive, to wake up and be happy for no reason. To feel delicious, to be kind to yourself if you are lonely. Take actions that are healthy for you. Not sabotage yourself and have yet another divorce.

So, be in a community of women like you and like me. Do these inner practices and enjoy being a woman! And start that vibrancy and that radiance again. And notice that you’ll start to have that choice in men to pick from. You’ll be able to trust yourself and be able to make that choice that will carry you through with a really profound relationship, for the next phase of your life.

And it’s good for your kids too! I just wanted to say one more thing, you want to show your kids that when you get hit down or fall down in life, that you do the inner work and get back up and that you’re stronger than ever.

You want to show them, that’s how a queen lives, and look how she attracted a king as a result so that they do the same when they get kicked down or fall down as it happens to everyone in life. They’ll remember mom and how she really showed them how to be an evolved human being and live for themselves and as an inspiration, and leader in the world.

HD: Absolutely! And that’s a great point. I have a son and a daughter, and for me, if something happens, I think, What am I showing them, about what it is to be a mom or what it is to be in a relationship, or what it is to communicate, or whatever the situation may be.”

So in the beginning, like you said, you tend to go way far out. You go from one extreme to the next as you’re doing this work, and in trying to embrace. When I was trying to figure out what sexuality meant to me, because I really was insecure, and I had low self-esteem, I went like way far out.

It was the way that I dressed. My daughter was like, “Oh my g*d mom, please stop…” And I slowly started reining it in until I realized that it wasn’t necessarily the way that I looked, or what I thought it should look like. It was more of like an internal thing.

Part V

As a mother, how do you recommend people go about finding a balance between embracing that erotic nature and respecting their children’s feelings as they start dating?

AP: I think it can be uncomfortable to see a mom who was shut down, scared, not in her vibrancy. And then all the sudden she shows up, and she is sexy. I think on a very pure organic level, it’s okay that you make your children uncomfortable.

This is what mom looks like in her power.

Mom is beautiful, mom is a mom.  And she is also a sexual being, and she is open to having a noble man respect her as queen. So, you don’t have to dress as a fuddy-duddy the rest of your life, just because you’re a mother. There’s a reason why M.I.L.F is one of the most searched words on the internet.

However, this overcompensation thing for being under-expressed before, just do that in a private, safe, healthy setting. I go to pole dancing. I walk around in my underwear, I don’t do that at home. I don’t do that at the grocery store. I do that at my pole dancing class.

You can have a night, if you have kids that go to their dad every so often, you can have a night of pleasure.  Where it’s just you in your bedroom with pleasuring and candles and a sexy movie that you watch. You can fully express, explore, and expand to find your true sexual nature and in a very healthy way that isn’t around the kids what so ever.

And then find that healthy medium where you’re going to dress what feels authentic and true and natural for you. And you can look through fashion magazines to get a sense of what that is. You can go shopping with your girlfriends.

You need not ever hide from anyone, kids included as you show up in your balanced potent nature as a woman, who happens to be a mother. Maybe I might dress up a little more for a date, obviously than going to the PTA meeting. You don’t want to show up with your stilettos and cleavage maybe at the school. But it’s all within balance.

Just don’t ever… There’s no need ever to hide your beauty, as a woman. And when you get more connected out of the spinning head, through the healed heart, and down to your gut, and your belly, and your pelvis. That’s where your intuition is.

You can literally ask your body, “Body, What would be the most authentic, expansive, beautiful outfit to wear out with the kids today?” and even let your intuition and your body lead you into what feels delicious and expansive.

And just never, never hide, even to your children, you’re going to have to start having those conversations about sexuality at some point. What a great opportunity to go online and look at people that you think are trying too hard or are using sexuality as a manipulation. And those who looks like they’re hiding but also those who have hit the sweet spot and start to emulate that yourself, and with your children.

HD: I really love that you hit on that, because one of the things that I definitely talk to people about, and I actually just did a talk at a high school with some girls who are going through cosmetology school about vision boarding. About really looking at what it is, what the feeling is that you want to put forward.

And it’s okay to want to put forward a sexiness. It’s okay to want to put forward sexual energy. And it’s really just finding that balance of what that looks like. I think that it’s great that you hit on that because I think it’s something that, as women, we look at magazines, but we tend to be really judgmental. And I think that just us as a species.

So you’re looking at the magazine and you’re going, “Oh she’s doing this… oh, there’s that, oh there’s this…”  And instead of looking at it through that lens maybe switching it. Look at it in terms of, “How would I like to feel when I’m doing this? Do I want to look like this? How does she look like she’s feeling in this picture?” 

Then try and emulate that in your life. I hate to say, “Fake it till you make it,” but that’s what happens. You learn from that experience, and then grow from there.

AP: The truth of your exquisite sexual nature is that it’s both healing, tender, caring, honoring, and divine. As well as, kinky, sexy, and erotic and all the different flavors. The sweet spot, moment to moment, the answer is inside you, let it emerge. And be willing to fall down and get back up.

It’s not about perfection here, it’s about, “Everyday, how can I be more me? How can I give more me? How can I receive more love from the universe? How can I shine more of my essence?” We’re never going to get there. So, you don’t have to be perfect about this.

Just be willing to keep loving yourself, and letting your true self-emerge and unfold. Like a blossoming flower, more and more every day. And be kind and gentle on the journey and you’ll be just fine.

Part VI

HD: Love that! So here’s the last question that I’m going to ask,

Can you give a couple of simple strategies that mothers can use to kind of smoothly dive back into the dating pool?

AP: Hmm, smoothly dive back into the dating pool…

HD: As oppose to the belly flop!

AP: Okay! Well, we don’t want to belly flop, but we’re also not going for perfection.

Allana’s strategies for a smooth dive back into the dating pool:

  1. Always heal your heart. If your heart is closed and you’re dating then you’re setting yourself up for disaster, being used, manipulated, and wasting your time. I have an extraordinary practice, this is exactly the work I do healing wounds in the heart and dropping down to our sacred, erotic, potent, feminine nature.
  2. Start to discover who you are when you’re turned on. What do you like to do? What do you like to wear? How do you like to move? Start to explore in a safe healthy way, you as a turned on, beautiful luscious, alive, radiant women. Is that a dance class? Is it buying some new different clothes, is it going to a workshop about your sensuality. Start from the inside out. Start to express who you are, what it feels like when you’re in a relationship. And you’re being honored and you’re being adored, and you’re being claimed the way you want to be claimed.  And you’re being just so cherished and treasured, you feel a certain way. Take that feeling and let it express itself in how you dress, in how you write your profile, in the pictures you chose. Sort of start at the end and create that feeling of having that “Uhh” and that exhale, and that deliciousness, and that gratitude. And start from there when you’re creating that profile. Start from there when you’re speaking to people, and getting out there dating.
  3. And on a date, it’s not the inquisition. It’s not, ask 20 questions to see if he hits any of your deal breakers or not. Be interesting, be interested, just be yourself.  Just unfold like this flower, just be curious of who he is. Be a temptress and invite him to share more, just enjoy the journey of getting to know these different men. Enjoy being alive and it’s okay to be a flirt, it’s okay to be a little coy. Not games, I’m not talking about manipulation. But just enjoy feeling like you’re in high school again, be vulnerable, be real. If you’re nervous, it’s okay to say it.
  4. It’s okay to ask for what you desire, and just let it go slow.  You don’t need to figure out if he’s marriage material on the very first date.  Go through enough so you know if he’s worth getting to know, but just allow the mystery to hold you and guide you.
  5. Listen to your intuition and if you feel nourished – if you feel more alive, more filled, more something, then he’s contributed to you somehow and go on another date with him. And if it was kind of flat, maybe meditate on it a bit. And if it didn’t work, be willing to say, “Thank you so much, and yet, I’m not feeling the connection. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of you finding the one. So thank you but no thank you for the next date.” or “Thank you I wish you well.” And just don’t waste your time spinning and doubting in your mind. “Well maybe he could be the one!” and trying to squish him into a box or yourself into a box.

Trust yourself, and that’s only possible when you’re deeply residing in your intuition and your heart. And enjoy the journey on your way to your next beloved.

HD: Absolutely, that was amazing. It has been so enlightening talking to you today Allana, Thank You.

AP: Ohh, Thank You!

If you would like more information about Allana and how she can help you embrace your sacred erotic nature so that you can attract all the love and attention you choose, you can visit her website .

Or, if you would like to work with Heather you can claim your complimentary coaching session today!

NOTE: Transcripts may have been edited for clarity. This blog post is a transcript/readable version of the interview. It is not an admissible testimony nor is it intended to provide legal or psychological advice.  

Disclaimer: The views, thoughts, content, and opinions expressed in this interview by the expert belong solely to the expert, and not necessarily to the host (Heather Debreceni), HeatherDebreceni.com, EmpoweredDivorceSummit.com or Two Wolves Productions, as a group, organization or individually.

About The Author

Heather Debreceni

In 2004, after getting a job in Law Enforcement, Heather left her husband and started the divorce process. Like many mothers in her situation, she naively thought that getting divorced would be the end of the chaos that her failing marriage had created in her and her children’s lives. She now uses her divorce experience to create strategic divorce coaching programs which help mothers turn the chaos of divorce into confident, calm and respect filled lives. Heather is the Founder and Host of the Empowered Divorce Summit which empowers individuals as they navigate through the divorce process. Now a podcast, it provides listeners with access to insightful interviews with experts on divorce, relationships and parenting. She is also an Ordained Non-Denomination Christian Reverend as well as a student of the Buddhist & First Nationals faith and spirituality. Heather supports her clients as they walk through the spiritual rebirth that occurs for many women after divorce. Heather also tours around the country with her family giving talks about Divorce, Ethics, Parenting, Personal Responsibility, Spirituality and Women's Empowerment as well as teaching about Leadership, Business and Entrepreneurship.

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