3 Reasons Why Divorce Doesn’t Make You A Failure

Let’s face it, it’s hard not to equate divorce with failure.

No matter how you look at it, you failed at being married and you failed at keeping your vows. So one would think divorce is definitely a result of being a complete and total failure, right?

Not so fast there, Missy!

While those two statements are true, they are a really narrow view of the situation as a whole. They assume you were the only party involved in the marriage, therefore the only one responsible for it’s demise. If only you would have tried harder at keeping your vows everything would have worked out perfectly, right?

Wrong! It takes two people working together to make a marriage work or fail.

Those statements also assume you were your marriage. They assume that it defined you, your identity and your ability to be successful at life. As if the end of your marriage represented the end of you as a person. The fact that you are reading this right now is living proof that it is not true.

However if you are still feeling like a “failure”, here are 3 reasons why your divorce doesn’t make you a failure.


  • When you take personal responsibility for your role in the end of the relationship, you open yourself up for growth. Where there is growth, there is no failure. Notice I said “your role”? Just as you played a role in how things turned out in your marriage, so did your ex. I know you are a Superwoman, yes take that in!  Even as such, you are under no obligation to carry anyone else’s weight but your own.


  • As you reflect back upon your marriage, you will undoubtedly see those “should” moments.  Those moments when “you should have known ____ was happening.”  And it is perfectly natural to have them, however if you choose to stay in the “should” and beat yourself up for something you can’t change now, know that you are choosing to stay there. If you choose to see those moments as opportunities to learn from instead of condemning yourself for a situation that you can no longer change, you will succeed at creating a new life where those moments become a distant memory. A memory of a life you hardly recognize.

Insight and Appreciation

  • When you made your vows, you had no idea what was going to happen. Even if you had so called “red flags”, you didn’t have a crystal ball that would have predicted the outcome. If you knew then what you know now, you probably would have changed something or done anything alter the pain you are experiencing now. Right? Things may not have turned out how you hoped they would.  As you reflect consider these two questions. 1. Was everything that came out of your marriage bad? 2. What did you get as a result of your marriage that you would never change, even if you could go back in time? It is easy to focus on the end, the bad times and painful stuff. When you feel yourself peering out of the rabbit hole, ask yourself those two questions and remember that good always outweighs the bad. The good that resulted out of your marriage’s existence illustrates those years weren’t wasted.    

Your divorce does not make you a failure, in fact your experience of it, makes you a better you.

Are you still struggling with the feelings of failure around your divorce? If so, you might also benefit from reading my other article about how I got over feeling liked a failed Christian because of my divorce.


Do you want help with the transitioning from marriage to divorce with integrity?  Contact me today to schedule your complimentary 30 minute Chaos to Calm Power Session


This or any advice that has been given by Heather Debreceni is not meant to replace or superseded the advice of your attorney or the acting family therapist involved in your case and does not constitute legal or psychological counseling.
About The Author

Heather Debreceni

In 2004, after getting a job in Law Enforcement, Heather left her husband and started the divorce process. Like many mothers in her situation, she naively thought that getting divorced would be the end of the chaos that her failing marriage had created in her and her children’s lives. She now uses her divorce experience to create strategic divorce coaching programs which help mothers turn the chaos of divorce into confident, calm and respect filled lives. Heather is the Founder and Host of the Empowered Divorce Summit which empowers individuals as they navigate through the divorce process. Now a podcast, it provides listeners with access to insightful interviews with experts on divorce, relationships and parenting. She is also an Ordained Non-Denomination Christian Reverend as well as a student of the Buddhist & First Nationals faith and spirituality. Heather supports her clients as they walk through the spiritual rebirth that occurs for many women after divorce. Heather also tours around the country with her family giving talks about Divorce, Ethics, Parenting, Personal Responsibility, Spirituality and Women's Empowerment as well as teaching about Leadership, Business and Entrepreneurship.

Leave A Response

* Denotes Required Field